Common Boundary-setting Mistake: Should Women Initiate First?

Establishing boundaries can be challenging, especially when dealing with difficult or toxic individuals. However, it is in these situations that effectively communicating boundaries becomes even more crucial.

To begin, let's establish a clear understanding of boundaries.

While you may have a general understanding of boundaries, licensed marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, offers a more nuanced definition. Boundaries arise when you are in tune with your own feelings, desires, and needs, and have the ability to assert yourself.

Earnshaw explains that we all have personal limits, which can be unintentionally violated when others are unaware of them. Lack of clarity in expressing our needs, both to others and ourselves, can contribute to this. However, without boundaries, relationships may suffer from unspoken words, resentment, and potentially worse outcomes.

The common mistake in boundary setting and the empowered approach.

During our conversation with Zar on dealing with toxic family members, she highlighted a crucial aspect of boundaries: the disparity between how we imagine them and how they truly need to be expressed for effectiveness.

Zar explains that the concept of boundaries has become somewhat of a buzzword, leading to confusion regarding its actual meaning. She illustrates the difference by comparing what we often assume setting a boundary sounds like, such as saying, "Hey, Mom, don't call me while I'm at work," with what it truly sounds like: "If you call me during the workday, I won't pick up."

The key distinction lies in speaking from a position of empowerment. It isn't a request or seeking permission, nor does it rely on the other person to honor the boundary. Instead, it clearly communicates your response based on their behavior.

Zar elaborates, emphasizing that it focuses on your own actions rather than relying on someone else to act within your boundaries. This approach empowers you and puts you in control of the situation.

Ultimately, setting boundaries is more about determining your own course of action when your boundaries are not respected, rather than solely relying on the other person's actions. Remember this fundamental principle the next time you need to set a boundary, whether within your family, friendships, or workplace. Although it may require practice initially, the more you assert yourself and maintain your boundaries, the easier it will become.